Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your cock deserves a montage
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
