I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
