I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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