i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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