And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
