So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
