Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
