When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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