why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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