He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
