you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
