In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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