I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
how drunk are you?
Several
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
