Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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