Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
