ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
