I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
