fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
