Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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