I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Your cock deserves a montage
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
