Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
