I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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