the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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