Just fell off a train. Bad.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
