If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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