and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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