I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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