I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i need to put some appletini on your dick
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
