I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
