She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
