Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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