can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
