fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
