Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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