Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
