Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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