Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
