1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
