he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
