Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
