my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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