I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
