friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
