I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
