it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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