If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
