I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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