in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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