4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
