Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Less talking, more tequila
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
