I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
